Monday, April 10, 2006

Planes highjacked in Dublin

Dateline: Dublin, 10 April 2006

In a well planned and cunningly executed manoeuvre, the entire Aer Lingus fleet was hijacked in Dublin last Tuesday. What is remarkable about the hijack is that it was widely known for some time that dissident groups were planning a spectacular event. Informed sources had warned of the likelihood of a hijack but, despite this, neither the security services, the Government, Aer Lingus management or airport authorities seems to have taken any preventative action. Management at Aer Lingus has been severely criticised for not doing more to prevent the hijack. The socialist TD, Joe “Mr. Indignation” Higgins, was reported to be apoplectic when he learned that planes were hijacked both on the ground and in the air. “How can a management … how can a management … how can ... eh, eh, eh … a management that calls itself … ‘professional’ … stand idly by and see its entire fleet – ITS ENTIRE FLEET – (mind you) – hijacked by this … so-called republican band of thieves and brigands,” he said on the popular RTE radio programme Anocht le Vincenzo de Brun.

Although the highjackers’ demands are not yet known, it seems to be a pre-emptive grab of a state asset that is likely to be ransomed to the highest bidder. This is similar to what happened in 1997 when another state company, Eircom, was hijacked by Mary “Bather” O’Rourke. On that occasion, almost the entire Irish nation was duped into handing over millions of euros to the hijackers, for something they already owned. The hijackers subsequently sold the company on, laundered the proceeds and made a small number of people extremely rich in the process. Unless quick action is taken and efforts made to recover the hijacked planes, it is likely that a similar rip-off will happen again, perhaps as soon as June or September.

The government, although it has a stated policy of not dealing with hijackers, seems poised on this occasion to break with previous practice and give in to their demands. It is likely that this will be done by a crack team of highly paid lawyers, bankers, accountants, stockbrokers, political lobbyists and general hangers-on. Their job, it is understood, will be to hand over the money to the hijackers and – this is the strange part – not bother to get the planes back! The government seems to feel that, if it distances itself from this transaction, it will not suffer in subsequent polls. Under the leadership of the notorious northsider, Bi Bi Bi Bertie “Bassman” Ahern, this will be their most spectacular achievement to date: letting an entire fleet of aeroplanes disappear from under the noses of the Irish public.

It is not clear yet whether certain investment properties in London, known as the “Heathrow Slots,” were also hijacked. The Minister for Justice, Michael “Knee-high Jackboot” McDowell, is understood to have asked the Criminal Assets Bureau to investigate this matter and to report to him, but not until after the hijackers have been paid off. This will make it look like he is taking action, while not actually doing anything.

Although details are still sketchy, it appears that the latest hijack was carried out by the nefarious Al "Martino" Cullen, a well-known privateer from Waterford. Cullen is thought to have been the mastermind behind the 50 million heist that almost resulted in the hijacking of the entire electoral system in Ireland some years ago. Although thwarted on that occasion by a group of vigilant engineers from the Software Technical Squad, Cullen escaped with a significant arsenal of several hundred items of hardware. It is believed that these are stored in several bunkers throughout Waterford. With the current paper electoral process restored, Cullen is unlikely to ever use these devices, which many believe could destroy democracy at the touch of a button. Informed sources in the Electoral Security Commission believe that they will eventually be secretly destroyed as part of a future decommissioning process.

When contacted, the Garda press office would not comment on the hijacking, although off-the-record sources advised that the Gardai are not asking anyone to help them with their enquiries and are not seeking any suspects. The location of the aeroplanes remains a mystery, but it is likely that they are being hidden in various places in One World, thus making it harder to recover them. Some may already have been re-painted in the livery of other airlines, perhaps even Ryanair.

The leader of the Labour Party, Pat “The Razor” Rabbitte, has warned that further hijacks are a real threat. “It is well known in political circles,” he said, “that every Government Minister is polishing the family silver (including the famous “Haughey teapot”) in case it is needed for future hijacks. We also know that there are sleeper cells from the infamous Moore School of Economics operating in Ireland trying to identify further state assets to hijack.”

Asked to comment, the Ryanair boss, “Mild” Michael O’Leary, said, “This is what happens when you let a shower of feckin muppets run a country. This hijacking would not have happened if Ahern had been on the ball instead of gulping down pints of Bass in Fagan’s in Drumcondra. As always, Ryanair offers the best cheap flights with cheap service to cheap locations, like the new airport we recently discovered near Derry. This is part of Ryanair’s new initiative to bring “Magical Mystery Flights” to the public: you get on a plane but don’t know where it will land! Sure, Jaysus, its great craic altogether. Now feck off, would ya, and let me look at the racing.”

Meanwhile, in a move certain to upset O’Leary, and which could possibly lead to a bloody war of attrition, Aer Lingus workers are threatening to hijack the airport in retaliation for the taking of their aeroplanes.

Management at Aer Lingus was not available for comment and there are rumours that they were last seen boarding a British Airways flight leaving the country for the Easter holidays. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Willie “The Wizard” Walsh may have been at the controls of the aircraft.